How to write a research paper:

1. Eat a whole package of Newman-O's.
2. Watch a million episodes of How I Met Your Mother until you fall asleep.
3. Go to work.
4. Come home.
5. Write a blog post that consists only of the sentence: "I love research papers like I love parvo outbreaks."
6. Erase the blog post before you post it because you know it's not true.
7. Drink a Rock Star.
8. Play Tetris.
9. Nap.
10. Lament going back to college.
11. Throw together a marginally coherent body of text that only falls 1-2 pages short of the required minimum.
12. Turn it in.
13. Go to Sophia's house and listen to her and her husband talk about history.

A List Of Songs I Caught Myself Singing Out Loud During An Exceptionally Uneventful Day At Work

Stickup Kid: Born In The Valut, Die In The Vault

Groovie Ghoulies: Normal (Is A Million Miles Away)

I may re-name this blog I’m not a rebel, I’m just scared.

Love/Hate, um, Challenge

Sophia tagged me in some “Love/Hate Challenge” thing. Which is a misnomer, I’ve decided, because it’s not terribly challenging. I know, because I actually did it (sort of), and these days no one can really coerce me into doing anything challenging during my off-time. And when I say “no one can coerce me” I don’t mean “because I am an adult and I have excellent boundaries”, I mean something more along the lines of, “I find dishes to be challenging and my kitchen is slowly becoming a biohazard”.

Therefore, in the interest of continuing to ignore the ever-increasing tower of porcelain and grime in my sink, here’s ten things I love and ten things I hate:

I love:

1. my apartment
2. my job
3. endurance laps on roller skates
4. good air circulation
5. roller skating at night on smooth, empty streets
6. pizza
7. receiving Netflix DVDs in the mail
8. getting a solid 8+ hours of sleep
9. Buffy
10. goat cheese

11.* Veronica Barry books

I hate:

1. hot weather
2. dating
3. scrimmage-less roller derby practices
4. when people don’t wear helmets at times when they should
5. mismanagement
6. wasting food
7. computer viruses
8. close encounters with freaky bugs
9. not owning a vacuum cleaner
10. the fact that goat cheese makes my guts hurt, so I can’t eat it anymore

Then I guess I’m also supposed to tag ten people to do the challenge next…

1. Anita
2. Noël (even though Sophia already tagged her)
3. Santa Claus
4. Jesus
5. the Easter Bunny
6. Demanda Riot
7. the Ancient Mariner
8. the Pillsbury dough boy
9. Joan of Arc
10. Malcolm X

* Yes, this list of ten just went up to eleven.

Something I wisely did NOT post on Facebook regarding an unproductive and poorly attended roller derby practice

I arrived at the rink early. No one was there. I started skating around the track and quickly discovered that there were apple slices scattered on the track and other snack debris off the track but still on the rink. I texted various teammates in the hopes that I could coerce one of them to bring a broom with them to practice, but this is how I found out that many people were not planning to attend, including my coach. So I kept skating around the track, jumping over the apple slices every time I came across them, eventually forgetting that sound travels and that the kids at the skate park across the way could probably hear me singing “I’m the only one at practice” (to the tune of “I’ve been working on the railroad”). I stopped singing aloud once I realized this and the possible consequences fully occurred to me. I kept up the laps until I thought of executing “pimp cuts” at opportune times, thereby using my wheels to push the apple slices off the track. It took as many laps to accomplish this as there were apple slices. Finally Di-a showed up – she was late because she was selling her car – and I told her that I’d already scrimmaged many times, and got lead jammer every single time I scrimmaged because when you scrimmage against yourself that’s what happens. She put on her skates and I followed her around the track while she warmed up. We almost started a drill, but decided to find out when S------bell would get there so we could start with her. While we waited for S------bell to arrive, we went to the skate park, where Di-a jumped out of bowls and I declined because jumping over apple slices is easier and you can’t make me you’re not my real mom. Di-a performed many more impressive skills after S------bell got there, and we eventually went back to the rink where idle laps were skated and Di-a, sooner than later, took off her gear and left. S------bell and I continued to putz around the rink. Despite S------bell being a notoriously bad driver, I took her up on a ride home because I only live a block away and furiously needed to pee. On our way to S------bell’s car, a kid somewhere in the park was heard howling like a dog. We howled back in kind.

Please come to practice. We are bored and want structure.